When everyone moves forward and you're just standing there.

Today I found out some delightful news - my friend has won the internship in Sydney that she has been crossing her fingers all weekend to get. She'll be in Sydney for a month and she's over the moon. 

I have another friend who's going great guns at uni and will soon be travelling, exploring the world. 

One of my only single friends got a boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. 

And another close friend is off to join the RAAF in a couple of months. 

I'm so happy for them all - really. 

But as I sit here and reflect on my life: 

- I haven't travelled anywhere 

*inhale* 

- I have no boyfriend 

*exhale* 

- Uni is much the same. So is work 

*inhale* 

- I have no idea what I'll be doing after Uni 

*hyperventilating* 

Have you ever felt like that? When everyone's life is moving forward and you're...stuck. I thought I had a lot of good things going for me - that my life was getting back on track and soon things will be amazing and so will I. 
But it's not happening at the same time as everyone else. 

I'm freaking out and upset that I will end up being the pathetic friend who nothing happens to. 

#pityparty. 

Suspenders and Ties - a friend's 21st

So tonight I'm going to a friends 21st birthday party. 

Her theme is suspenders and ties. 

Here's my rundown about the con's and pro's about this theme: 

Cons: 

No dress or skirt for me. I'll look like a man wearing my work pants out to a social event. 

I do not own suspenders - thus I must go out and buy some. 

I'll need to balance the theme while trying to look sexy at the same time. Hm, could be tricky. 

Did I mention I'll look like a man with that oufit on? 

Pros:

When do I ever get an excuse to wear a tie, let alone suspenders. New outfit. 

- ok that might be the only pro - oh, wait here's another...

I don't have to shave my legs. I will; but they don't have to be perfect. 

While I'm looking forward to the party, there's some things that I'm worried about - cause you know, I worry about everything. 

COUPLES!! Couples, couples everywhere! Let's spot the single chick...oh wait, there she is, in a tie and suspenders ha ha. *If they're abiding by the dress code, all chicks will be wearing these accessories however. 

DORKY DANCING!! Yep, it's been held where my friend likes to dorky dance. Cue the old people, the mediocre band and lame dancing. 

LITTLE ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION!! Despite it being a 21st, and considering the place it's being held, I don't think much drinking is going to go down....urgh. 

NONE OF MY CLOSER GROUP ARE GOING!! While I love my girl who's turning 21, none of my regular group are going, so I'll be hitting it up solo. 

However these can be turned into positives: 

I'M HITTING IT SOLO!! No boyfriend or friends to keep an eye on. I'm happy to just look out for myself, get conversations rolling, catch-up with old friends/acquaintances be confident and happy and just hang out and meet new people. 

LAUGH AT MYSELF DOING DAGGY DANCE MOVES!! While I will no doubt be seriously embaressed by my dance moves the following morning - at the time, I should relax, have fun and just dance my night away. Hopefully everyone else will too. 

Despite some hesitations, I am looking forward to tonight. I know it probably won't be the best night ever, but I shouldn't preconceive that it won't.  

I'll make sure I tell you all about it soon. 

<3 

Getting to Old for Clubbing - Wha?

Last night I went out clubbing with a couple of mates. 

I hadn't been since November so I was psyched to let my hair down and be wooed by randy, drunk men. 

I drank too much, danced terribly and pushed my way through crowds of people to get more drinks and do more dancing. 

Then it hit me - 

It's always the same. 

The same places, the same vibe, the same everything. And I was getting bored with it. 

But it wasn't the same. 

- No longer do I appreciate a grope from behind by a guy I don't know/can't see and how doesn't know (or care) who I am. 

- I'm questioning the ages of some of the men in the club, thinking they look way to young to be on a night out; even though I'm only 20 myself. 

- My brain goggles don't seem to be working as well as they used to (or maybe I've become more stuck-up) and the calibre of men nowadays wasn't as good as when I was 18. 

- While I'm a free, happy, innocent soul, who hasn't had a bad one might stand with a random club goer, the same cannot be said for some of my friends; so drinking alcohol and being in a club setting, brings back the shame and regretful feelings and instead of being happy, go-getters - they turn to depressed, shameful cherubs - who don't dance, smile and are known to cry on occasion. The clubbing mood hasn't been the same since. 

- I feel more like a babysitter now, than a young adult having a fun night out. Most of this is due to the point above. 

- Money, money, money; every time I reach for that plastic and paper my heart cries a little.

- Smaller group. When I was younger, we used to grab everyone I know, and we'd all head out - about 5 or more of us. Nowadays it's never more than three, and it's not as fun when there's not as many as you. 

For the last few times I've gone clubbing (or even just out to a pub) I've come away with more negatives than positives. 

Maybe I'm starting to get too old for that scene. Or maybe (shock horror) I've become too mature for that type of crap. 

Next time (if there is one) I'll stick to playing pool in the corner instead - yeah, I think that's a good idea.  

A wanna be a festival chick

Here's my confession; I'm 20 and I've never been to a music festival. 
I know; it's pathetic. 
I should have been to many local festivals by now and at least gone to one interstate festival. But to my dismay I have not. 
Apart from the times when I never left the house, did or went anywhere (thanks depression years) I don't exactly have friends who charge at the idea of festivals. 
I'm not sure if I do either. 
Anything over 30 degrees Celsius for me is balmy and I start to melt. 
I'm a short woman and being pit deep next to shirtless men isn't exactly my ideal day either. 
I also cannot stand crowds and I know if I get caught in a mosh pit I will hyperventilate. 
So why do I want to go? 
I feel as though it's a rite of passage for young people these days. Whether I like it or hate it, going to as least one festival, to only say that I've been to one I feel is important. 
I know it might be strange but I feel like I'm missing out. By not having been to a festival before, I feel as though I'm not partaking in something that young people do and love. 
So my plan is to go to a festival this year - in April. 
It's a national tour that comes to my town, and I would love to go. I can afford it and while Uni will still be on at that point, I think it's something my friends and I can juggle - it's only one day after all. 

I just need to convince my friends to go now. :/ 

Here's to NOT going overseas!!

For the past two years I've watched as my friends have said Adieu to Australian soil and stepped forth into lands beyond. 
Whether it was the UK, Europe, America, NZ, the tropical islands, with bags packed and smiles on their faces (and pictures all over their facebook) their horizons broadened and so did they. 

Unfortunately, with my feet firmly planted in my backyard I have remained the same. I have no tales of the land beyond, I haven't discovered anything new and I'm not one to go to for travel advice. 

Travelling is always something I've wanted to do - And I have a few places in mind. However due to financial drought, a run-out of friends, University - not to mention the dark time in my life when I literally did nothing, saw no one and wanted to kill myself - travelling is something that had to take a back seat. 

When people were saving up for a trip, I was crying my eyes out and slowly wilting my life away (yeah, sad story, bro). Now I'm in  the stage of my life where I'm saving my dough for the beyond, however the people around me already have that money saved and are rushing around the world before I can say 'wait for me!'

I'll be honest, it sucks to be the only one not travelling  - while that's not true, it certainly feels like it. I even have some friends that are going overseas for the second time ;'( <- crying!! 

There's nothing I can do about it. All I have to do is focus on myself, save up and hopefully (one day) I can be the one exploring new seas.

Midnight Drives and Responsible Decisions.

Last night I was invited to go for a midnight drive with one of my mates. 
Not a 'makin' mayhem' type of drive where the passengers are up to no good - this was a 'need to get out of the house and the situation I'm in drive' where we go to a location and relax; no rough housing at all. 
Luckily for me (though I didn't know this at the time) I had Uni in the morning, it was cold and to be honest, I really didn't want to go. So I declined. 
I declined despite I knew that there would be a special guest. 
So there was my friend (the driver), a mutual friend of ours - and the guest; a man friend of the driver, who (she made clear) was very single. 
Despite my cat-like curiosity I stayed home and today messaged her about how it went. 
The guest didn't go - after I was going she told him not to bother. OK definitely a set up situation. 
I wasn't up to coyness so I asked who he was. She told me. 
Now I've never met him personally and there was a reason why:
Not only is he an ex of the setter-upper-er, he's a douche (took her on dangerous car rides (go figure)) and a complete bogan/country arse. 

She tried to set me up with him!? 

Not only was a receiving her leftovers but she knew what he was like and that we would be TOTALLY wrong for each other in absolutely every way. 

I think there's something more going on here - there's no way she though we would actually date or that I would even consider him - it just wouldn't happen. 
I'm now starting to doubt her motives. 
Like some screwed over, retired spy - urgh. there's something wrong with me. 

I always thought being set up by a friend would be exciting, fun and he'd be my perfect match. But this was wrong on so many levels. 
I'm super glad I didn't go on last nights drive; I hate to think how I would have taken it at the time (over the computer was bad enough). 

She's not one of my favourite friends - she's full of drama and melodramas over everything. She only hangs out with me and a guy friend of ours. Our other friends are smart enough to keep their distance - maybe I should do the same. 

Thank God I have Uni to distract me. 

I Must be a Jinx! Or Have one Near Me

So in my earlier post today (I'd put a link up but I'm too annoyed) I talked about how I was going out tonight.  
I do this all the time. I plan things, I get excited about things, I imagine it in my head, I talk about it, I think about it and it takes up my whole day/week/s. 
Obsessive? Hey, I'm a daydreamer - dreaming is what I do.
Then, like some sort of jinx, the outing gets cancelled. 
Cue the excuses:
"I'm too tired,"
"Uni is busy,"
"I have musical rehearsals,"
"I have work,"
All I hear is "blah, blah, blah" and "don't want to hang out with you Daydreamer." 
I know it's nothing personal - shit, I hope it isn't, but it totally sucks to be turned down by everyone because of one reason or another. 
I'm devastated. 
And I think I have the right to. I was looking forward to go out, we haven't gone out in ages and this was our one night to go out before Uni started and everything. 
But it's not happening. 
Once again I have to get used to not going out, staying in and making plans on my own. Like some loney loner. Ergh. 

Open a bottle of wine guys. It's going to be a long night. 

Well, This Will Be Awkward. A Dinner With a Competition

Hey there. 
If this is your first time on this blog, may I just say "hi" first of all, and secondly, one thing you need to know about me, is that I'm a socially awkward person. 
For those who have read some of my previous posts, this would be apparent. 

So it's with this attribute that I freak out about tomorrow night. 
I've been invited to a party - no, that's not the bad thing. 
It's technically my friends second birthday party. She had one about a month ago, but because not many people showed up (busy lives, they have) she decided to throw another one - at a club. Not a night club, like an old people's club. 
As a Facebook event, and being fickle, I put myself down as a maybe. 
Despite throwing this party for people who couldn't come last time, it turns out that there's only going to be a few of us there anyway. 
I was talking to the Birthday Girl (well, if you could still call her that) only a few moments ago when she told me that a few of the people couldn't make it, and if I go, there will only be four of us. 

Naw, a cute, small get together.

NOPE! 

Besides me and her, there are two others (I'm great at maths), two guys.
One was her ex-boyfriend - a Bogan apparently, who can be the bit of the jealous type. I've never met him. 
Guy Two is an old school pal, and coincidentally, also an ex of the Birthday Girl. He just recently asked her out again (twice) in which he received a no (twice). He also cried about it apparently (woose). 

Talk about awkward. 

So here's where the problems start. I know that tomorrow night will be a competition of testosterone as they battle it out (over the dinner table) getting an edge over the other ex. 
Birthday Girl will secretly enjoy it. 
I will sit there, with my lasagna, wishing that it was all over. 
AWKWARD! 
There's a big part of me that will not go. I don't want to - I really don't. Because my Facebook thing is a maybe, I believe I'm in my right to turn around and say "I'm not coming." 
However, I know I'll be a crap friend if I don't go. Also it might be fun watching a Bogan and a woose fight it out over a bowl of garlic bread. 

But then there's the dancing. 

The great thing about this old people's club is the Latino beats they play to get those seniors moving. 
And so we plan to dance also. 
But it takes two to tango (not three) and I have no idea how the dancing will go. Even if we make our own dance circle, I don't think that's going to make things any less awkward. 

I'm torn. I don't know what to do, and I'm freaking out about tomorrow night. It's going to be awkward and it's going to be a competition all night. 

What would you do? Would you stay, or go? 

Have you been in a situation like this before? 

Please, let me know. I need all the advice I can get right now. 

The Downsides to Being a Hermit

Choosing to live the hermit life is hard. 
Firstly, one tends to pick this life after experiencing what it's like to have friends. And as hermit life tends to creep up on its victim, these "friends" haven't yet realised the path you have taken.
Unfortunately the hermit life was forced on me. 
I desperately wish to go out - but my hermit-induced soul will not let that happen. 
Luckily for this part of my body, the rest of me doesn't have to will power to break free. I also contain other characteristics which help fuel my hermit ways. 
- I have few friends (I've touched on this before, so lets not go back there.)
- I don't drive (also something touched upon before.)
- I'm a worrier. 
- I tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive. 
- I don't work. 
- I never leave the house. 

As you can tell, I'm a delightful person to be around. But I wasn't always like this. At the start of last year, most of these things weren't on my list (not being able to drive, nor work, were still on the list) but the others weren't even an issue. I was engaged with real life dealings, would talk through my issues with real people and not that of a computer screen, would leave the house at least five days a week, would regularly attend parties and was always seen as the "funny one" (funny here being ha ha and not weird). 

It is this person, that these friends still believe I am. And was why, yesterday, I received a birthday invite from one of them. 
I haven't talked to most of them in over a year. 
Some I departed with on bad terms. 
They all still talk to each other regularly. 
My #1 arch frenemy - someone who was a friend but wasn't, isn't invited - so I don't know what this means. 
I don't know how to get there (I don't drive remember).
Or get home. 
I don't even know if any of them actually like me any-more. Maybe they are hoping that I wont show. 

But with only a few days to make up my mind - things are not looking good for Daydreamer . HELP. 
.

Forever Alone

Hey guys,
A very unusual and embarrassing account happened to me today and and if I had friends I would surely laugh about it with them. But because I don't, you (people of the Internet) get to hear it instead. 

At least I'm not this guy.

Now, I know I'm not a social person. I haven't left the house since...oh wait, I left it yesterday, but not to meet anybody.
Basically, when it comes to leaving the house for a social occasion (family members excluded) it is very, very rarely. 
A lot of friends I used to have I don't talk to often or at all, let alone actually catch up with them. 

When I heard my phone buzz this afternoon it was quite a shock. It goes off little and the vibration it makes against my dresser is quite loud. I grabbed it thinking it would be the phone company ("A special offer, only for a limited time") and was even more shocked to discover that it was an actual person - an actual friend. 
Even more shocking, someone I haven't talked to (at all) in literally months! 
And the message captured that...

OMG How are you?? We haven't talked in ageeeessssss -_- talk soon Babe. 

Now, even though I hadn't communicated with this person in a while, this wasn't how they acted when I did used to talk to them.
Looking back, I should have seen the signs. 
Nevertheless, I was touched to see that someone had actually remembered me and wanted to catch up (I only presumed). I wanted to reply straight away. Telling them that I know it has been ages, but regardless would love to hang out.

But I had no credit. 

Bugger. It would have to wait. 

So, I continued what I was doing, and decided afterward, I would log onto the Internet and chat with her there. I got caught up with some other stuff and left my room. 
It was around half an hour when I got back. I turned my computer on and went to my phone to check the message again. I had another message.

Me? Daydreamer has another message? Two in one day, that's a record. 

It was from the same person. Telling me that the children she coaches had taken her phone and sent messages to random people. 
And this was it. The bottom of the bottom of my social life. The only person to talk to me and want to hang out, was nothing but a seven year olds prank.

That's embarrassing. But I can be thankful for my phone credit (or lack there of). If I had of had credit and sent a heartfelt message filled with memories, reminiscent and old times - could you imagine the humiliation then; for the both of us? 
At least I could brush it off with a casual "yeah, I saw that - pretty funny" response.  

So I know I'm unsociable - but really?! Did I deserve this? 
I don't think so. 
So for anyone who's feeling a bit alone, here's something to cheer you (and I) up.